Why You're Always Trying to Get It Right: The Link Between Perfectionism and Early Attachment Wounds

Apr 29

If you're a Millennial in NYC who feels like you're constantly striving but never arriving—especially in your career, relationships, or parenting—you’re not alone. Many high-achieving adults silently struggle with perfectionism that masks deeper attachment wounds from childhood.

In my NYC-based therapy practice, I often work with individuals who identify as people-pleasers, overachievers, or procrastinators—and they’re surprised to learn that these patterns are not personality flaws but survival strategies rooted in early relationships.

What Is Perfectionism Really?

Perfectionism often looks like:

Constant fear of making mistakes
Procrastinating until something feels “perfect”
Feeling guilty for resting or setting boundaries
Over-delivering at work while silently burning out
Struggling with imposter syndrome despite evidence of success

While perfectionism is often praised in our hustle culture (especially in NYC), it’s emotionally exhausting. And it often traces back to how we were wired to connect early in life.

The Attachment Connection

Our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our internal sense of safety and self-worth. If love or approval was conditional—based on achievement, compliance, or emotional caretaking—your nervous system learned:
“I need to earn love. I need to get it right.”

This creates what therapists call insecure attachment patterns. Over time, they manifest in perfectionism, people-pleasing, or self-doubt. While this might have helped you cope as a child, it often creates anxiety, burnout, or relationship challenges in adulthood.

Common Signs You May Be Struggling with Attachment-Based Perfectionism:

Overthinking everything you say or do
Difficulty making decisions without reassurance
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling like you have to "hold it all together" for everyone else
A harsh inner critic that won’t let you rest or celebrate wins

Sound familiar?

How Therapy Can Help: Healing with Attachment-Focused EMDR

As a trauma-informed therapist based in NYC, I specialize in Attachment-Focused EMDR—a powerful approach that helps you heal the root cause of emotional patterns rather than just managing symptoms.

This therapy combines the science of nervous system regulation, memory reprocessing, and compassionate inquiry to help you:

Release stored emotional trauma
Rewire perfectionistic patterns at the source
Cultivate secure self-worth from within
Show up more fully—in work, love, and life

Therapy for Perfectionism & Attachment Wounds in NYC (and NJ)

If you’re a Millennial looking for a compassionate, evidence-based therapy approach in New York or New Jersey, I currently have openings for new individual clients via secure teletherapy. My work is especially supportive for: